Man you really did a number on me.
You started off with me on my back, contemplating if my deliverance from depression was permanent. No motivation. No joy in my heart.
I was anxious for everything and hated every aspect of my life, but I smiled, I even laughed through it all. On my Instagram page, I boasted of Romans 8, but didn’t know what was in that chapter.
God, I hate You. It’s Your fault. The depression. The never-ending sea of anger. The discord in my family. The pain. It’s all Your fault. Why didn’t You love me better? Why didn’t You love me stronger that the hurt? I know life is better with You in it, but God, I don’t want to see Your face right now.
May — Honduras
I gave up on God. I believed He had failed me. Truth is, He had never failed me, but I was always one foot in one foot out with Him and everything else in my life; however, I was not about to admit that (pride). So I welcomed rebellion, made love to self-pity, and nurtured a cold heart.
I embraced my usual sin; the one that comforted me for so long—lust and all its numerous faces. I didn’t receive the familiar comfort in return. But God, I’m still not ready to choose You. Maybe next month?
Delivered. Actually delivered this time because I decided to be bold enough to believe in a clean start. I am a terrible person, but I am loved regardless. I don’t have to work for that love; I sure don’t have to earn it. God, I think, maybe I like You.
I’m happy, I’m planning yet another trip. By the end of next month, I would have officially traveled more times in one year than I had in my 21 years of life.
August — Chicago
Twenty-One! New year, new me (finally).
Peace. It felt odd rolling off my tongue. Peace. P-E-A-C-E. Five letters, put together, wrapped up into the best gift I had ever received. No nightmares. No anxiety. Twenty-four hours feels like enough, maybe more than. Okay, God, I love You; although, I’m not sure that means much. I don’t know how to love. Not real love, but I will learn.
Peace. Maybe I should give it back. It seemed a little too good to be true.
God really wants me to have peace and this time no returns. My heart is smiling. I’m happy happy. They call it joy. I call it joy. Thank you God.
December — Nigeria
Another trip! Three times in one year, I mean but who’s counting.
I won’t lie, you almost had me there. But God. Two words, but God, new life. I traveled. I smiled and laughed from the bottom of my heart. I made friends. I did things I had wanted to do for a while; but what I will remember 2018 for is that I was loved. The type of love that prompts you to give your all right back. Love that truly casts out all fear. And in 2019, I vow to make sure other people can experience this love. I vow to be His vessel until the day air leaves my lungs.
2019, what’s good homie!