From Me to You: A Strong One’s Perspective

Hey You,

I don’t really know where to start with this particular post. There’s no real topic so I don’t have guidelines…I just know I want to get some stuff off my chest. 

Okay, let’s start with why I have been gone so long. I struggle with consistency, particularly self-imposed consistency. I didn’t grow up with it and since I’m still battling the fear of disappointment and hurt, I’m rarely ever consistent with the GOOD things in my life. It’s like this, if I give my best to a thing or a person & it all falls apart then I can pass off blame which makes me bitter & less trusting. But if I don’t even try then I’ve got no one else to blame but myself; the sting is less…or so my mind says. My blogging isn’t the only thing that suffers. I would say my relationship with God takes the biggest hit.

Which reminds me, stuff number 2 that I want to get off my chest: this walk is hard. So darn hard. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to translate all your knowledge of God into practice. In Jesus I’m holy, right? Then why can’t I seem to fight off lust? Why does masturbation lock eyes with me, coming closer & closer as the sun goes down? In Jesus, I am righteous, right? Then why does my heart & mind yearn for such evil sometimes? In Jesus, I am a child of God, part of a brethren, right? Then why do I feel so alone, all the time? It’s not that I don’t have people who check up on me, on the contrary. Sometimes there are so many unopened text messages in my phone that I become overwhelmed. It seems the more love I’m shown the more alone I feel. Make it make sense…

Stuff number 3: I am very self-aware, always have been. I am hyperaware of my brokenness, maybe even more so than I am of The One that can mend me up. I don’t know if it is just me, but it seems like the more I get to know Him, the more I know my own brokenness. That only discourages me. I spend most of my days wandering why I can’t seem to be a good daughter, on earth & in heaven. Why can’t I be a good friend? Why can’t I acquire a simple job? Why can’t I just look in the mirror & see that I’m beautiful, period, no ifs, ands, or buts? Why do I continually deal with one health issue after another, no matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle? Why can’t I do anything well? The more I am overwhelmed with these thoughts, the less consistent I am with seeking HIM. But funny how vise-versa is just as true: the more I seek HIM the less I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. Though they come, they leave quickly, because they’re not at home.

the more I seek HIM the less I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. Though they come, they leave quickly, because they’re not at home.

There is so much more I could unpack, but I’m feeling lighter already, so let’s wrap it up. This post is not a suicide note, nor is it a cry for help. I’ve been there before; I’ve written those before. I am delivered from that and what my Jesus does is final… This is me trying to demonstrate the words of the Jonathan McReynolds, “may your whole life prove that God is good”. The entirety of my life won’t always look as beautiful & serene as a field of sunflowers turned face up to the sun, at least not to the natural eye; however, GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. When I give in to the lusts of the flesh, the evil in my heart, His arms are still wide open. When I perform for His love, like I do with everyone on earth, because I haven’t fully grasped sonship, He still delights in me. When I can’t see the beauty in my days, He still calls me beautiful. God is good & I can see that more in my battles. I just want everyone else to know that too.

If you feel like I do sometimes, please be encouraged. Speak up to those you trust or share with strangers like I do on my blog, but don’t deny it. Acknowledge it in the “sure this might be the case now, but not forever” way. It is good to be strong, but there is good to be found in your weakness as well. You are never in this (life) alone, despite how believable the lies of the devil may be. Also please share if you believe this can help others. 

With love,

Chi, ChiStyles

God is Good – Jonathan McReynolds
Song is also available on Apple Music

3 thoughts on “From Me to You: A Strong One’s Perspective

  1. This is beautiful , very Authentic and transparent. While reading this i kept being reminded of this article i was sent by the Holy Spirit called “spirit of adoption”. The line is this “ The Mind-Set of Rejection

    First, the spirit of rejection refers to the mind-set ingrained into us which tells us that we are unloved, unwanted, or will never be good enough. This may start in childhood. This mind-set makes us strive to earn our acceptance. It makes people feel driven to perform in order to be approved. This mind-set makes people feel they are loved for what they do rather than for whom they are. It is demeaning. It robs people of peace. The sad thing is that no amount of achievement is ever enough to satisfy it.” When i read this, it broke off thinking I had to do , i had to be, i had to get to be loved by God. That thought pattern was so far from the truth! I know you probably know that already but just a friendly reminder that He sees you. For who you were, still died. For who you are, He still Rose. He sees your future & He will said He will finish His good work that He started in you!!!

    Your dope and love this blog!!! I truly love you sissy!! But as we know Abba loves you more !!!

    Like

  2. Chichi!!! Wow!!
    I only read the first part and you truly touched my heart, you put to paper what we all go thru but refuse to admit while walk the “holier that thou walk” trying to look down our nose at that drug addict on the street or the homeless person who is begging for alms

    God bless you even as He continues to show Himself to you and increase your knowledge in Him

    Thank you for being a vessel

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s