I don’t really know where to start with this particular post. There’s no real topic so I don’t have guidelines…I just know I want to get some stuff off my chest.
Okay, let’s start with why I have been gone so long. I struggle with consistency, particularly self-imposed consistency. I didn’t grow up with it and since I’m still battling the fear of disappointment and hurt, I’m rarely ever consistent with the GOOD things in my life. It’s like this, if I give my best to a thing or a person & it all falls apart then I can pass off blame which makes me bitter & less trusting. But if I don’t even try then I’ve got no one else to blame but myself; the sting is less…or so my mind says. My blogging isn’t the only thing that suffers. I would say my relationship with God takes the biggest hit.
Which reminds me, stuff number 2 that I want to get off my chest: this walk is hard. So darn hard. It’s even harder when you can’t seem to translate all your knowledge of God into practice. In Jesus I’m holy, right? Then why can’t I seem to fight off lust? Why does masturbation lock eyes with me, coming closer & closer as the sun goes down? In Jesus, I am righteous, right? Then why does my heart & mind yearn for such evil sometimes? In Jesus, I am a child of God, part of a brethren, right? Then why do I feel so alone, all the time? It’s not that I don’t have people who check up on me, on the contrary. Sometimes there are so many unopened text messages in my phone that I become overwhelmed. It seems the more love I’m shown the more alone I feel. Make it make sense…
Stuff number 3: I am very self-aware, always have been. I am hyperaware of my brokenness, maybe even more so than I am of The One that can mend me up. I don’t know if it is just me, but it seems like the more I get to know Him, the more I know my own brokenness. That only discourages me. I spend most of my days wandering why I can’t seem to be a good daughter, on earth & in heaven. Why can’t I be a good friend? Why can’t I acquire a simple job? Why can’t I just look in the mirror & see that I’m beautiful, period, no ifs, ands, or buts? Why do I continually deal with one health issue after another, no matter how hard I try to live a healthy lifestyle? Why can’t I do anything well? The more I am overwhelmed with these thoughts, the less consistent I am with seeking HIM. But funny how vise-versa is just as true: the more I seek HIM the less I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. Though they come, they leave quickly, because they’re not at home.
“the more I seek HIM the less I am overwhelmed by these thoughts. Though they come, they leave quickly, because they’re not at home.“
There is so much more I could unpack, but I’m feeling lighter already, so let’s wrap it up. This post is not a suicide note, nor is it a cry for help. I’ve been there before; I’ve written those before. I am delivered from that and what my Jesus does is final… This is me trying to demonstrate the words of the Jonathan McReynolds, “may your whole life prove that God is good”. The entirety of my life won’t always look as beautiful & serene as a field of sunflowers turned face up to the sun, at least not to the natural eye; however, GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. When I give in to the lusts of the flesh, the evil in my heart, His arms are still wide open. When I perform for His love, like I do with everyone on earth, because I haven’t fully grasped sonship, He still delights in me. When I can’t see the beauty in my days, He still calls me beautiful. God is good & I can see that more in my battles. I just want everyone else to know that too.
If you feel like I do sometimes, please be encouraged. Speak up to those you trust or share with strangers like I do on my blog, but don’t deny it. Acknowledge it in the “sure this might be the case now, but not forever” way. It is good to be strong, but there is good to be found in your weakness as well. You are never in this (life) alone, despite how believable the lies of the devil may be. Also please share if you believe this can help others.