This is my testimony:
“Blessed is [she] whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the [woman] to whom the Lord does not impute iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.” Psalm 32:1-2
“I called on Your name O Lord, from the lowest pit […] You drew near on the day I called on You, and said, ‘Do not fear!” O Lord, You have pleaded the case for my soul; You have redeemed my life.” Lamentations 3:55, 57-58
“Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore! From the rising of the sun to its going down, the Lord’s name is to be praised.” Psalm 113:2-3
I want to make clear what the message of this post is before we begin. My story does not end in the pain & suffering of my past, but in the joy set before me, now and forevermore.
When I was 4 years old, I started having dreams that were sexual in nature; but I wasn’t aware this was going on. For most of my life, I thought it started when I was 6 years old. When I finally asked my mother about it in the beginning of 2019, she told me it started when I was 4. I still have no recollection of anything going on prior to the age of 6 and I have made my peace with that. Anyway, when I was 6, I remembered one of these sexual dreams and from then, the spirit of lust, perversion, and sexual sin ran rampant in my life.
It didn’t start off “too bad” (let’s be honest, there’s no such thing when talking about sin, but for the sake of being relatable, we’ll use that verbiage) …a little touching myself here and there, usually at bedtime. Oh, but it grew; I soon learned that sin is not satisfied with anything short of death. Every waking moment was filled with lustful thoughts and desires. The simplest, most innocent touches would illicit responses in my body I didn’t even have language for at the time. As I got older and began to understand the meaning behind what has happening in my body, I stopped being physically affectionate and distanced myself from little children (and if you know me, this was difficult).
Simultaneously, at age 7, my family and I moved to America. There was a friend I had in school and though I can’t remember how it started, she and I would touch each other which caused me to question aspects of my identity at 8 years old. When that ended, I looked elsewhere. I hurt someone near and dear to me in the process. I wasn’t aware that what we were doing could be damaging (as all sin is, but notably sexual sin); however, I knew it wasn’t right. I would eventually come to the awareness of how I may have caused them trauma. Yes, we were close in age, but I was older. Yes, we were both young, but I was supposed to be responsible for this person. And the guilt I held, the self-loathing I carried almost killed me, but God…
In high school I discovered porn. Oh, how hell rejoiced that day. Someone in my family was watching a show at night and I walked by as a sex scene was on screen. I was hooked. I wanted more, or rather, the spirit of lust in me was hungry and yearned to be fed. I remember staying up all night looking for a channel where I could get more of it. Then I learned I didn’t need to leave my room because of the internet. Addicted, I needed it to fall asleep, to feel better on the days when bullying was bad at school and when shame and guilt bubbled up. I also began to sneak away to do things with guys; you name it, I’ve probably done it. Everything was done in secret. I accepted that this would be my life…BUT God.
This continued even after I gave my life back (I was born Catholic) to Christ in the summer of 2014. And my Jesus never stopped interceding on my behalf. In 2019, God began to address the stronghold of lust, perversion, and sexual sin in my life, and He continued until the stronghold was broken this year. I came face-to-face with the depth of my guilt, shame, self-loathing, anger towards God, mourning of the innocent childhood I felt I never had, etc. I had to confront the part of me I hid away as a coping mechanism.
I didn’t think I deserved to live; I still don’t. My sin required my death and I agreed. BUT GOD! He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for me and one day in January I finally decided to accept and partake of His death. Sin got what it required, but I didn’t have to pay the price. My Jesus didn’t stop there though. He defeated hell, death, and the grave. He rose; He got up and took me with Him. On January 24, 2021, when The Lord commanded me to live, when He permitted me to live (because I needed to know it was okay for someone like me to live), and when I had the audacity to accept and submit…oh how my spirit rejoiced.
I know I am still being sanctified daily, until the day I meet my Jesus face-to-face; and yet, my new life and freedom is just as real. The courage to share all of this is because God must get all the glory. I want everyone else reading this to know freedom awaits them. So please, choose Jesus. Not for me, but for you. If He fails you, then He is a liar; but He is not a man that He should lie. I love you all and Jesus loves you more, way more.